Fun Quips

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If you have a fun story that you would like to share with others from throughout the country, please e-mail your story to us at gibbons5@cox.net Here are just a few Fun Quips. They have been edited but not strictly Christian.

Christianity is the only true religion. Christian Bulletin speaks of Christianity, society, culture, religion. You must be a Christian by faith in Jesus Christ to enter heaven. Christian Bulletin also talks about the religious bulletin, the spirituality of different people, along with their spiritual condition. Religious people don't mean to be too religious or seem too spiritual. God is also mentioned in Christian Bulletin, along with Jesus, Jesus Christ or Christ himself. Psalms and Proverbs, along with the church is spoken of by faith. Christian Bulletin includes worship and mention of Baptist churches.

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  {It says something about  our times that we rarely use the word sinful, except to describe a really good desert. --Willard D. Ferrel}

{Note: The Christian Bulletin Editor sifts through a lot of "garbage" to bring you clean jokes. Please spare my throat if I slip up.

Joke of the day - The day I knew my in-laws had finally accepted me: As we pulled into their driveway, my father-in-law was on the phone. "Oh, I have to run," he told the person on the other end. "My daughter-in-law and her husband just arrived."

"A day without laughter is a day wasted." (Charlie Chaplin)

A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease.

When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" there was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down yes".

My sister is a know-it-all who bristles at anyone's well-intentioned advice. But when our older sister gave her several clever tips, she was impressed. "I have to hand it to Pat," she told me. "She really is smart. Not Jeopardy smart; more Wheel of Fortune smart."

"Sorry your card won't arrive in time for your birthday," my sister said to me. "I bought a belated birthday card, so I had to wait a few days before mailing it."

I was on the couch nursing my newborn when my three-year-old plopped down to watch. Seeing this as a good teaching moment, I explained how mothers feed their babies. My daughter's eyes grew wider with each detail.

"She's drinking milk?" she asked. "In the living room?"

There are five senses: sight, smell, taste, touch, and hearing. The successful have two others: horse and common.

A picky customer comes to a small food shop and sees a new delivery of fresh fruit. "Give me ten oranges and wrap every orange up in a separate piece of paper, please," he says to the saleswoman. She does.

"And thirty cherries, please, and wrap up every one in a separate piece of paper, too." She does.

"And what is that there," he asks pointing out a bushel basket in the corner.

"Raisins," says the saleswoman, "but they are not for sale!"

After harvesting the usual bumper crop of squash last year, I took a half-dozen to the office. I piled them on the table in the break room and posted a sign advertising them as free.

The next day I noticed an addition to my sign. Below "Free Zucchini," someone had written, "Save the Whales."

A woman got on the bus with her little boy and paid one fare.
The bus driver pointed out that she had to pay for her son.
"Children under six ride free," the woman said.
"Come on," the driver said. "He doesn't look a day under nine."
The woman shrugged and said, "Can I help it if he worries a lot?"

At the outpatient surgery center where I work, the anesthesiologist often chatted with patients before their operations to help them relax.

One day he thought he recognized a woman as a co-worker at the VA hospital where he had trained.

When the patient confirmed that his hunch was correct, he said, "So, tell me, is the food still as bad as it used to be?"

"Well, I suppose," she replied, "I'm still cooking there."

"The only time most women give their orating husbands undivided attention is when the old boys mumble in their sleep." (Wilson Mizner)

EUPHOBIA...Fear of hearing good news.

The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.

Five years ago, Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans. George Bush observed Katrina’s fifth anniversary by doing exactly what he did when the hurricanes struck — nothing.

On a chilly winter evening, a husband and wife were snuggled together on the floor watching television. During a commercial break, he reached over and gave her foot a gentle squeeze.

"Mmmmm," she said. "That's so sweet."
"Actually," he admitted sheepishly, "I thought that was the remote."

Murphy was selling his house and put the matter in a real estate agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I got all you say there?"

The agent said, "Certainly...why do you ask?"
Murphy replied, "Cancel the sale...it's too good to part with!"

Early in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. My Mom chewed him out for it. He apologized, they made up.

However, from time to time, my Mom mentioned what he had done. "Honey," my Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was 'forgive and forget.'"

"It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget what I've forgiven and forgotten."

Mutual Attraction
In the middle of an argument a man said to his wife, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time!"

The wife responded calmly, "Allow me to explain...the good Lord made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; and he made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more...He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died...I'm married to his widow."

One night my father woke himself up with a loud "Hello!" to someone in his dream. As the next day came and went, Dad thought the nocturnal outburst was his alone to remember. But that night, as he and Mom were getting ready for bed, she said dryly, "If you see anyone you know tonight, just wave."

As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day.

The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to fussing at her poor husband. The graveside service had no more than terminated, when there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."
-Top Greetings

        {From yesterday if you missed it}

What this world needs is a vegetarian mosquito.

My husband used to work the night shift, so in the evening my five year-old would climb into bed with me. One night, my husband came home early. "That's my wife," he joked. "Get in your own bed."

"Fine" grumbled our son as he stormed off. "When I have a wife, you can't sleep with her either."

I live in New Jersey and I'm used to having people cut me off on the highway. But this one time I was cut off by a convertible -- he missed my car by inches -- and the driver flipped me the bird to boot.

Still steamed, I noticed that we had gotten off at the same exit and the convertible's driver had pulled into an office complex parking lot.

I pulled my car over and waited for the driver to leave the parking lot and enter the building. Then I entered the lot and pulled up next to the car.

Well, as my luck would have it, I had just made a stop at the supermarket and had a loaf of bread that I was willing to donate to the cause.

So I did.

I tore up a few slices of bread and threw the pieces into the front and back seats of the open convertible. Then I drove off out of the lot and pulled off across the street to watch.

It didn't take long for the seagulls to start descending ..... {Sometime ago I wrote a treatise entitled "Answer Him Not," which was taken from the words of a King in the Bible. Among the language of the treatise, I included "Answer Him Not" with regard to somebody giving you the 'bird' on the HIghway.}

My mother teaches first grade in a small town. One day, she took all her students down the hall to the restroom at once so as not to be disturbed every 5 minutes for a bathroom break. As first-graders tend to dawdle, she urged them to "hurry up and take care of business" so they could get back to the classroom.

One young man looked up at her and, in all seriousness said, "Teacher, I don't have any unfinished business."

Mom had to excuse herself.

Teamwork means more we and less me.

After learning that her parents were in a minor car accident, my wife called her mother. "What happened" she asked.

"I was driving and fell asleep," said her mother, irritated. "And of course, your father wasn't paying attention!"

The sight of my mother cleaning her dentures fascinated my young son. He sat riveted as she carefully took them out, brushed and rinsed them, and then popped them back in.

"Cool, Grandma!" he said. "Now take off your arm."

UNO
For travel, many of us opt for a motorbike, whist very few of us have the time to learn to ride the more comical unicycle. Well, an 18 year-old scientist by the name of Ben J. Poss Gulak, has decided to merge both modes of transport, and develop what he has termed, 'Uno'. The bike caught the attention of many attendees to the 2008 National Motorcycle Show, either because they thought it was cool or to determine what it actually was. The common wheel set-up, of one at the back and one at the front has been revolutionised into two wheels sitting side by side. The Uno also utilizes rear footpegs and a considerably smaller chassis.

Amazingly, the Uno weighs only 120lbs and has no controls, except for a simple on/off switch. In order to move, you lean your body in the direction, so leaning back kicks the Uno into reverse. The Uno's speed is controlled by how far you lean forward or back and is completely controlled by an ECU (electronic control unit) which is attached to the motor. The Uno is currently a one-off, but looks and sounds very cool indeed!

"Didn’t you suspect burglars had been in the house when you saw all the drawers pulled out and the contents scattered all over the floor?" asked the policeman.

"No, I just thought my husband had been looking for a clean shirt," replied the woman.

We visited our newly married daughter, who was preparing her first turkey dinner. I noticed the turkey thawing in the kitchen sink with a dish drainer inverted over the bird. I asked why a drainer covered the turkey.

Our daughter turned to my wife and said, "Mom, you always did it that way."
"Yes," my wife replied, "but you don't have a cat!"

When I was introduced to a couple visiting our congregation, I decided to remember their names by noting they were the same as those of two characters in a popular children's story.

After the services I stopped to talk to them, and as they were saying goodbye I teased, "Be careful going up that hill! But you must get that all the time."

They smiled politely but said nothing. After they left, my wife asked, "What was that all about?"

"Jack and Jill. Up the hill. Remember?" I said.

"Yes, but what does that have to do with," she pointed to the couple, "Dick and Jane?"

Everything's starting to click for me!" said my father-in-law at dinner. "My knees, my elbows, my neck..."

Over dinner, I explained the health benefits of a colorful meal to my family. "The more colors, the more variety of nutrients," I told them. Pointing to our food, I asked, "How many different colors do you see?"

"Six" volunteered my daughter. "Seven if you count the burned parts."

Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once. How much is 6 plus 4?

Class: At once!

Proper attire is required in the cafeteria at the University of Maine. To enforce that rule, the management posted this notice:

"Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria."

Next to it, a student added, "Socks can eat wherever they want."

While playing Scrabble at my future in-laws" house, I asked, Is nag a word?"
As my father-in-law walked by, he answered, "In about six months it will be."

Seen in the Southern Illinois University student newspaper:
"Sweet, little old lady wishes to correspond with S.I.U. undergraduate. Prefers six-foot male with brown eyes answering to initials J.D.B.
Signed, "His Mother."
-Top Greetings

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