Fun Quips

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If you have a fun story that you would like to share with others from throughout the country, please e-mail your story to us at gibbons5@cox.net Here are just a few Fun Quips. They have been edited but not strictly Christian.

Christianity is the only true religion. Christian Bulletin speaks of Christianity, society, culture, religion. You must be a Christian by faith in Jesus Christ to enter heaven. Christian Bulletin also talks about the religious bulletin, the spirituality of different people, along with their spiritual condition. Religious people don't mean to be too religious or seem too spiritual. God is also mentioned in Christian Bulletin, along with Jesus, Jesus Christ or Christ himself. Psalms and Proverbs, along with the church is spoken of by faith. Christian Bulletin includes worship and mention of Baptist churches.

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  {It says something about  our times that we rarely use the word sinful, except to describe a really good desert. --Willard D. Ferrel}

{Note: The Christian Bulletin Editor sifts through a lot of "garbage" to bring you clean jokes. Please spare my throat if I slip up.

Joke of the day -  The part of a computer that you can hit with a hammer is called hardware; those parts that you can only curse at are called software.

Newspaper ad in New Orleans: "Retired trombone player will sell one dozen sport coats with one arm longer than the other."

The motorist was filling in an accident report: "I was backing out of a parking space, and, by the time I backed out far enough to see what was coming, it already had!"

Everyone hears what you have to say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say.

In the early 1800's letter carriers earned no salaries, but were paid two cents by the recipient for each letter they delivered.

HOUSEHOLD TIP:
Remove labels off glassware etc. rub with Peanut Butter.

Position the computer where you plan to use it. Is the keyboard comfortable to type on? Is the monitor clearly visible? Can you easily reach the controls? If the answer to these questions is no, the computer is probably still in the box.

If men lived longer than women, would senior citizens get a better deal from the government?

My wife asked me if I put the cat out. I said I didn't know it was on fire.

VINEGAR AND FOOD PREPARATION TIPS:
Getting the last drops: When you can’t get the last bit of mayonnaise or salad dressing out of the jar, try dribbling a little of your favorite vinegar into it, put the cap on tightly and shake well. You’ll be amazed at how much you’ve been wasting.

Cooking fish: Try soaking fish in vinegar and water before cooking it. It will be sweeter, more tender and hold its shape better. When boiling or poaching fish, a tablespoon of vinegar added to the water will keep it from crumbling so easily.

Cake icing: Cake icing can be prevented from becoming sugary if a little vinegar is added to the ingredients before cooking. The same is true when making homemade candy.

Boiling eggs: When boiling an egg and it’s cracked, a little vinegar in the water will keep the white from running out.

Keeping potatoes white: A teaspoon of white distilled or cider vinegar added to the water in which you boil potatoes will keep them nice and white. You can keep peeled potatoes from turning dark by covering them with water and adding 2 teaspoons of vinegar.

Freshen vegetables: Freshen up slightly wilted vegetables by soaking them in cold water and vinegar.

Fruit and vegetable wash: Add 2 tablespoons white distilled vinegar to 1 pint water and use to wash fresh fruits and vegetables, then rinse thoroughly. Research has shown that vinegar helps kill bacteria on fruits and vegetables.

Frying doughnuts: Before frying doughnuts, add ½ teaspoon of vinegar to hot oil to prevent doughnuts soaking up extra grease. Use caution when adding the vinegar to the hot oil.

Flavor booster: Perk up a can of soup, gravy or sauce with a teaspoon of your favorite specialty vinegar. It adds flavor and taster fresher.

Meat tenderizer: As a tenderizer for tough meat or game, make a marinade in the proportion of half a cup of your favorite vinegar to a cup of heated liquid, such as bouillon; or for steak, you may prefer to a mix of vinegar and oil, rubbed in well and allowed to stand for two hours.

Fruit stains: Remove fruit or berry stains from your hands by cleaning them with vinegar.

Fresh lunch box: It is easy to take out the heavy stale smell often found in lunch boxes. Dampen a piece of fresh bread with white distilled vinegar and leave it in the lunch box overnight.

Get rid of cooking smells: Let simmer a small pot of vinegar and water solution.

Fluffy Egg Whites: Soak a paper towel with 1-2 Tablespoons of white distilled vinegar. Wipe mixing bowl and beaters or whisk with the vinegar- soaked paper towel, then dry with a cloth or paper towel prior to whipping egg whites.

Fluffier Rice: For fluffier and great tasting rice, add a teaspoon of white distilled vinegar to the boiling water before adding rice. Rice will be easier to spoon and less sticky.

A DAILY GLASS OF OLIVE OIL KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY (Feb 22nd 2008)

Mariam Amash, a woman living in an Israeli village, recently astounded officials when she filed for a new identity card, declaring an age of 120 years old. She says she was born in 1888, when the Turks still ran the Holy Land. Her secret to long life? Walk regularly and drink a glass of olive oil every day. Al Dente did the math and figured out that she has consumed at least 43,800 glasses--roughly 2,737 gallons of olive oil.

Studies have found that the monounsaturated oils in olive oil not only help reduce blood cholesterol, it also "cause less production of the bile acids in the digestive tract that promote colon cancer development." Additionally, it is less likely to generate free radicals in the body than other fats, it strengthens the anti-inflammatory effects of omega-3 fats and blocks the activation carcinogens. With all the olive oil she's consumed over the years, it's no wonder she's lived such a long life.

Gravity: Not just a good idea, it's the law!
Gross ignorance: 144 times worse than normal ignorance.

Clock: A small mechanical device to wake up people without children.

Karaoke: A Japanese word meaning "tone deaf".
Opera: Where a guy gets stabbed in the back and sings about it.
Normal: A setting on a washing machine.
Health: The slowest possible rate of dying.
Poverty: Having too much month left at the end of the money.
Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
Sleep: That fleeting moment just before the alarm goes off.
Cynic: Someone who smells the flowers and looks for the casket.
Witlag: The delay between delivery and comprehension of a joke.
Skier: Someone who pays an arm and a leg to break them.

A boy was walking through the park one day when he saw an elderly gentleman sitting on a bench and crying.

"Why are you crying?" asked the boy.
"Because my father hit me," replied the man.
"Really?" said the boy. "May I ask how old you are?"
"I'm 85," said the man as he wiped away a tear.
"My goodness," said the boy. "So how old is your father?"
"He's 105," replied the oldster.
"Wow!" exclaimed the boy. "So why did he hit you?"

"Because I stuck my tongue out at my grandfather," whimpered the man.

My husband, Glen, and I were at a country club with his boss, a rather stern older man.

When Glen began a tale, which I was sure he had told before, I gave him a kick under the table.

There was no response, so I gave him another poke. Still the story went on.

Suddenly he stopped, grinned and said, "Oh, but I've told you this one before, haven't I?"

We all chuckled and changed the subject. Later, on the dance floor, I asked my husband why it had taken him so long to get my message.

"What do you mean?" he replied. "I cut the story off as soon as you kicked me."

"But I kicked you twice and it still took you awhile to stop!"

Suddenly we realized what had happened. Sheepishly we returned to our table.

The boss smiled and said, "Don't worry. After the second one I figured it wasn't for me, so I passed it along!"

Our man was walking down a dark alley when suddenly a mugger jumped at him.

"Your money or your life" the mugger barked.
"You mean I have a choice?!!" said our man. "Here take this…."
He pulled out his wallet and gave it to the mugger.

"And this...usually this is secret money". He removed his cap and flipped it around and there! Some more money! "Wait! Here is my card. Feel free to contact me whenever you have a cash crunch!"

The mugger left confused and dazed.

"Such a nice fellow!" sobbed our man. "He gave me a choice. At home I have no choice....my wife takes them both."

So what songs would famous biblical people have sung?
Hair: sung by Samson [Hair]
I Feel Pretty: sung by Esther [West Side Story]
I Could Have Danced All Night: sung by Salome [My Fair Lady]

Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head: sung by Noah [Butch Cassidy]

Stayin’ Alive: sung by Methuselah [Saturday Night Fever]
Stranger in Paradise: sung by Adam & Eve [Kismet]
The Lady is a Tramp: sung by Jezebel [Pal Joey]
The Lion Sleeps Tonight: sung by Daniel [The Lion King]
The Wanderer: sung by Moses [-]

Why is it necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

The cost of failure is greater than the price of success...

"Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you." (Langston Hughes)

BEVERLY HILLS THIRD GRADER
A third grade class in a Beverly Hills school was given the assignment of writing a story about a poor family. One little girl submitted the following:

Once upon a time there was a poor family.

The father was poor, the mother was poor, and the children were poor.

The butler was poor, the maid was poor, and the cook was poor.
The gardener and the chauffeur were also poor.
Everybody was poor.

Nearly 20% of all vehicles stolen had the keys in them.

The farmer found his new hired man very unsatisfactory. A neighbor who chanced along inquired: "How's that new hand of your'n?"

"Cuss the critter! was the bitter reply. "He ain't a hand...he's a sore thumb."

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The farmer said, "That's once."

A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, "That's twice."

After a little while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.

His brand new bride raised a big fuss with him, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do!"

The farmer said, "That's once."

Several members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director of the group said, "Now, I'd like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine."

Each member spoke, admitting their excesses. Then one obviously overweight member said, "I eat moderately, I drink moderately and I exercise frequently."

"Hmm…" said the director. "And are you sure you have nothing else to add?"

"Well, yes," said the member. "I lie extensively." -Top Greetings

     {From Yesterday if you missed it}

My Grade 2 class was doing a special project in which they raised butterflies from caterpillars. The students and I watched the insects in our classroom aquarium as they attached themselves to the lid, each forming a chrysalis. Within a week they began to emerge, wet and crumpled. The kids watched in fascination as the wings began to straighten and, with careful fanning, the butterflies dried themselves. About three days after hatching, the insects began to fly. One little boy in particular, who had been watching carefully each day, saw this and excitedly announced.

"They're flying!"

"Of course they're flying!" a little girl in the class replied, rolling her eyes. "They're called 'butterflies.' If they didn't fly, they'd just be butter!"

The reason people blame things on previous generations is that there's only one other choice.

How come only male TV anchors and hosts are allowed to be old and ugly?

Dentist to patient: "The bad news is you've got three cavities. The good news is your gold crowns have tripled in value."

Dispatching her twelve-year-old son to pick up a pizza, my sister handed him money and a two-dollar coupon. Later he came home with the pizza, and the coupon.

When asked to explain, he replied, "Mom, I had enough money. I didn't need the coupon."

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office where she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”

Leonardo DaVinci should be credited with the earliest plan for water gate locks. All modern locks follow his plan, even the massive structures at the Panama Canal.

My co-worker, Jill, and I stopped at a small family restaurant at the end of a tiring day. As an afterthought when she finished placing her order, Jill asked the young waitress what the vegetable was. "Turnip," she replied. She asked her to hold the turnip and give her an extra order of fries instead. She went back to the kitchen.

A few minutes later she returned. "Mother says turnips are good for you."

Jill ate them.

The best way to keep your heart healthy is to bend down and help another person up.

While stationed in Japan I was determined to learn as much of the Japanese language as possible. As I sat in a bar in Tokyo I asked the bartender how to pronounce various drinks in Japanese. Casually I asked him, "How do you say Tom Collins in Japanese?" He responded, "How you say Sake in English?" That ended my education for the evening.

"Today's New York Times once again raised the issue that John McCain may not be eligible to be president because he's not a natural born U.S. citizen. Apparently, McCain was born outside the 13 colonies." -Conan O'Brien

Q: Why does a tiger have stripes?
A: So he won't be spotted.

THE ATM
You go to get a balance inquiry, and instead of printing out a receipt the screen says: "Not worth wasting paper", and ejects your card.

You try to get a balance inquiry, and the screen says: "Account not found." and keeps your card.

You insert your card, and try to get some cash, and the ATM laughs and spits out your shredded card.

You withdraw some money to pay some bills, count it, and the screen says: "What, you thought there was some EXTRA there? HA!", and ejects your card clear across the room.

You think you've got $100 in your account and go to take out $50, and the screen says: "Not in this lifetime." and laughs as you bang on the machine, trying desperately to get your card back that the machine has taken.

You go to the ATM, and there's a picture of you a-la-"Most Wanted" staring forlornly at the ATM camera with a caption that reads: "Wanted for trying to get water from a dry well."

QUESTION: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
ANSWER: To see what was on the other side.

St Peter is standing at Heaven's gate when a man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids."

"Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."

A few moments later a second man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers."

"Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise."

A few moments later a third man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was in the Air Force, Sir. I was Security Forces."
"Excellent my son...I've gotta go to the bathroom, watch the gate, will ya?" {Of course, there will be no St. Peter at the gate. You make your decision down here whether to repent of your sins and take the Lord Jesus Christ as your only hope of heaven or go the other way!}

Age is like underwear, it just keeps creeping up on you.

What's the difference between "sight" and "vision"?

Well, according to what one guy said to his buddy, "My girlfriend is a vision! But your girlfriend..."

Q: Why are Egyptian children good children?
A: Because they respect their mummies.

THE DRAGON LADY
There’s a sad segregation in my neighborhood, an intractable chasm between the people who like big dogs and the people who like little dogs. Like oil and water, these two just don’t mix. The small-dog crowd, owners of canine bits of fluff that would fit nicely in the purse of a celebrity, look askance at the large, slobbery cretins who share their streets. The big-dog bunch sees their neighbors’ diminutive darlings as annoying, slightly oversized rodents. Wars have been waged over lesser matters.

By virtue of the fact that we own a Labrador mix – and despite clear evidence that our dog’s brain is no bigger than a flea – my family finds itself firmly on the jumbo side of the doggie divide. Our dog, Ebony, seems to have made it her mission in life to terrorize our subdivision’s pint-sized pups. She sits by the front door, waiting for someone to leave it ajar. Then she’ll bolt out and, upon spotting a mini fido, she’ll unleash a fearsome barrage of barking. When the alarmed owner rushes to pick up the puny pooch, and both master and mutt are quivering with fear and indignation, Ebony will stroll back to the house with obvious satisfaction. If, howeve r, her intended prey actually growls in return, my all-bark-and-no-bite hound will collapse in submission like a cowardly house of cards. All of the small-dog owners hate her.

One of Ebony’s fiercest foes is a woman I affectionately call The Dragon Lady. This is the neighbor who will point out that your lawn needs mowing, your porch needs sweeping and your children need spanking. And she frequently suggests that Ebony, who takes special delight in worrying The Dragon Lady’s wiener dog, needs intense treatment that would permanently take her to another city far, far away.

When my cranky neighbor walks her equally cranky dog daily in front of my house, she encases the creature in a blue harness that makes it just look like a walking sausage. The other day, The Dragon Lady and her sausage went by at the exact time that one of my children left the door open for a moment. Naturally, Ebony shot through it like a bat out of a hot place and raced toward the wiener, barking up a storm, with my children chasing her. I was bringing up the rear.

Instead of picking up her dog, my neighbor frantically hoisted him aloft in his harness and began to twirl him around and around, yelling at my children to get control of Ebony. Our dog, meanwhile, was in hog heaven, running circles around her nemesis, barking and jumping joyfully up at what looked like a flying can of Spam with legs.

My kids finally calmed down our unruly tail-wagger, and the woeful-looking wiener was returned to terra firma. The kids and I burst out laughing at the whole silly spectacle until I caught sight of the sweating, furious face of the poor Dragon Lady. I apologized profusely and inquired after the welfare of both the woman and the wiener. She didn’t give me an answer, just stalked silently away. They haven’t walked by our house since then. (Jackie Papandrew...2007)

"It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place." (H. L. Mencken)

"Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else." (Ogden Nash)

"Male and female represent the two sides of the great radical dualism. But in fact they are perpetually passing into one another. Fluid hardens to solid, solid rushes to fluid. There is no wholly masculine man, no purely feminine woman." (Margaret Fuller, 'WOMAN IN THE NINETEENTH CENTURY', 1845)

TENDJEWBERRYMUD
Believe me, you will understand what this means by the end of the conversation. Read aloud for best results. "Tendjewberrymud". Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this. The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service that supposedly occurred at a hotel in Asia.

Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem…crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS: "San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes 'means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bother?"
G: "No.. just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G: "You're welcome"

USN GATO CLASS SUBMARINE: Though the U.S. submarine fleet consisted of only 1.6% of the total Navy personnel from 1941 to 1945, it accounted for over 60% of all Japanese ships sunk during this period. By striking with sudden, silent force, U.S. submarines effectively shut down Japan’s supply lanes in the Pacific. These powerfully armed subs had long-range capability and high cruising speed.

Pain - a cat licking your sunburn.

While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table, and we started talking.

He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.

With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family. I said, "No, I also work...out of our home."

Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in. "He was born at home," I answered.

The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"

A young bride-and groom-to-be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned.

"Tell me," she asked the rather elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"

With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater three times a day."

Whenever I shop at the supermarket, I always stay out of aisle #1. There's a Russian dressing over there and he probably needs privacy.

QUESTION: What's the difference between your boss and the subway?

ANSWER: Sometimes you miss the subway. -Top Greetings

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